Every person requires truly individual attention. Especially a child; especially today. Among the greatest tragedies is a neglected child, more so even than a sick, injured, or hungry child.
Of course there is neglect, and there is neglect. Let’s focus on the lesser and more pervasive form. I don’t want to be overly dramatic. Yet I honestly think that some form of this often plays out, rather unnoticed, under our very noses. Perhaps in our own home.
An easy way to start to think about this for many of us is to go into our own childhood. Let me clear: the point here is not to fabricate problems, nor to point fingers at anyone else for our real issues! I simply suggest a mental exercise in view of re-forming our own approach to young people—whether our children, our grandchildren, godchildren, students, etc.
Many can remember instances, or whole periods of early life, where a loving, attentive eye might have seen our suffering, entered into it in some way, and so have made a significant difference. But such did not happen. And whether we were really ‘alone’ or not, we felt alone—which is in fact to be alone in a very important sense.
Maybe we needed direction, or re-direction; or encouragement or a reminder that all would be OK; or simply to be noticed—and so to know and to feel that we were not alone.
Recently I have spent a lot of time tending my raised bed of summer squashes. It has struck me how plants growing next to one another can be in very different places. This one is being attacked by more squash bugs; this one just isn’t getting enough water. And this one seemed fine—to an eye not looking closely enough—and then it quickly falls into the worst condition of all. There are gardeners, and there are gardeners.
Gardens are always like households, with the difference that failure in the garden is normally not a big deal.
The U.S. military is committed to ‘leave no man behind,’ and school systems might say the same of their students. Yet by a great plan of nature, the primordial place of none left behind is the family. Here is a sacred yet often under-intentionalized duty most characteristic of parenting. If it is understandable that we commonly fall short in this, it is certainly not acceptable that we take it as given.
Each of us can begin today. It applies of course as soon as there is any child in the picture. But when the number of blessings grows, then especially is intentionality required. I know all too well the experience of parents of several children who move to a ‘zone defense’ as it were and are grateful if everyone remains safe and healthy, and gets reasonably educated.
Here, however, is where we need to tune in and recognize we must go beyond what appears sufficient, and ‘do-able.’ This will require much of us. It will demand a re-examination of priorities in our life; how we think about career and profession; and how we think about friend time and free time. It will demand a new approach to observing our children, with a watchfulness that is open-eyed, close-up, and constant. It calls for concrete discussions with my spouse, not just about how ‘they’ or ‘we’(!) are doing but about how each of them is doing.
And it calls for a willingness to see; a willingness to see perhaps what we’d rather not see, or what we don’t think we have time to see. Or respond to.
In the end, it’s not only about the child—though that would be more than enough reason. It’s also about us, and the person we are called to be in and through our being a parent (or grandparent, godparent, teacher…). The difference our intentionality can make here will be lifechanging. Lifegiving. For many. ~ ~ ~
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Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
