A central issue in parenting is discovering our role in the moral formation of our children. How do we best go about doing our part in helping them become the people we so want them to be?
This is of course a complex question, and perhaps the first thing to realize is that we will need to reflect, pray, and take counsel about it, for as long as we’re parents. There is no standard playbook on what and what not to do. But there are time-tested principles discernable in tradition and experience.
Admonition is a key and often overlooked means of moving others toward the good. It can be practiced in diverse settings, as for instance, a teacher might admonish a student or a friend admonish a friend. To admonish is to offer direction, or instruction; it could remind of what the other already knows, or offer new insight. Admonition—in the sense of the term I’m interested in here—should flow from love and have an encouraging and hopeful tone.
According to Thomas Aquinas admonition is the most characteristic act by which parents direct their children toward right living. This is noteworthy, and calls for a closer look. For starters it is clear in Aquinas that ‘admonition’ refers to something other than coercion. As a rule, parenting does not take the form of forcing children to do this or that. Let us set aside those instances, especially with very young children, where a kind of coercion might be necessary. Let us also now set aside the important issue of the judicious use of rules in the home, as well as when and how to punish. Admonition is something different, even while it can and should be integrated with these other aspects of parenting.
Parental admonition is an expression and key exercise of parental authority. Parental authority is an office exercised out of love that directs children toward their flourishing. It is fitting that admonition is the characteristic act of this authority, for admonition is an instruction that has a strong note of encouragement and inspiration. To admonish is in effect to say, “Here is the wonderful good to which you are called! Here is the beautiful way that you can live!”
An example is in order. The father of an eleven- or twelve-year-old boy approaches his son when they are visiting the pool or on vacation at the beach. He says, “Son, I want to share you with a challenge you and I must face. It’s called custody of our eyes… This is something daddy must work on every day of his life. And now, son, you and I are in this together, and share in this great project…”
This is paternal admonition; there is nothing else quite like it.
Parental admonition can be uniquely fruitful, beyond the admonitions offered by others. Why? First it comes from inside the most intimate relationship in a young person’s life, from a place of deep knowledge and tender affection. Second, it also comes from a place of authority—that God-given office with unique responsibilities and powers.
Admonition done well is a central way a young person experiences parental authority for what it is: a profound gift shared with parents and offspring to bring both to where God and human nature call them to be.
To expand our practice of parental admonition does not mean pretending to be our child’s peer, or leaving behind our position of authority. Quite the contrary, we must learn how to do admonish from and in our authority. Consider the mother who speaks of dignity, bearing, modesty, and manners to her teenaged daughter. The vast majority of what she conveys will not be in the form of a rule or command. Indeed, well-placed and timely admonition forms the background and context in which rules might make sense, and be well received. Admonition has a place, though it does evolve, from the earliest days of a child’s life all the way through the adult years.
By a wonderful (and demanding!) divine plan, the parent-child relationship can be the perfect context of trust and love, wherein parents have an utterly unique opportunity to convey the joy and wonder of living a good human life. It might not always function as we would have hoped. But we can also start again to discover this central way of forming our young. Of course, it calls us to fall in love all over again—first of all with the truths and goods that we want to share with them. So the natural plan, as usual(!), calls us all higher, giving us a context in which to grow together all our life long. ~ ~ ~
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Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
