Why are some people kind? This question is especially though of course not exclusively pertinent in forming the young. I think we take kindness for granted, forgetting both its central importance and the need to cultivate it, in self and others.
“We are for the most part unhappy, because the world is an unkind world.” So wrote Fr. Frederick Faber, a noted author and close collaborator with John Henry Newman. He describes kindness as “the overflowing of self upon others. We put others in the place of self.” He says that kindness is our imitation of Divine Providence.
But how is kindness cultivated? It seems that here two things are worthy of note. First, we should consider the unique power of showing kindness to those in whom we would form it. While all virtues are cultivated at least in part by way of example, the power of showing kindness stands out.
If I am courageous toward or in the presence of my children, this is very important as a good example. If I act justly toward them, again this is good example and will tend to inspire them to act justly toward others. But there is something unique in kindness. When I am kind toward them, they are powerfully moved, consciously and unconsciously, to ‘pass on’ that kindness. To say that kindness is contagious only weakly captures this.
Kindness touches something deep. Indeed, it touches something at the foundation of our existence. It resonates like an echo of something that we saw, or felt, at the moment of our creation. God smiled upon me. Indeed, He smiled me into existence. And now someone else sees that. And cares.
When someone is kind to me, I am reminded of a primordial truth. I feel anew what should be beyond any doubt, but I still need reminding: it is so good to be here. My life is so worth such kindness. Thank you. Thank you from my heart. “Kindness reveals a man to himself,” says Faber.
The hidden power of our kindness toward others is not just its power to make them kind; it has power to give them life. And be life-givers.
The second point is similarly encouraging and challenging. While receiving kindness is perhaps the most natural path to people becoming kind, it is not the only one. We do well to remind ourselves that we can always choose to be kind—regardless of what we have received. Yes, this is often harder than it seems. It is hard to be kind when you don’t ‘feel like it;’ and especially when you are hurting.
Surely all of us have at least a few images of what authentic kindness looks and feels like. We can imitate it. We can even ‘fake it.’ But is this inauthentic? In response I ask how can it be inauthentic when its root is the desire to give of self to others? In other words, the reason for faking is anything but fake.
What an extraordinary witness and gift are those who decide to be kind, just because. Perhaps at root because by some grace—who knows just how—they have discovered the generous kindness that creates, sustains, saves, and forgives. With joy. And they realize the power and the gift of kindness, seemingly mundane yet in reality anything but insignificant or peripheral.
So they choose to act accordingly in the little interactions of each day, starting in their home. And their persevering choices change everything.
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TODAY’S NEW PODCAST is Five Non-Negotiables to Instill in Your Children KINDNESSS is one of Sofia’s and my list of five. Join us in discussing how to instill this and other key dispositions in our children. Check out and share our other PODCASTS too.
TONIGHT!! LIFECRAFT ONLINE READING: Wendell Berry’s essay: The Pleasures of Eating. Final call: join us to discuss this provocative essay about the place of eating in every household. Tonight, Wednesday September 4th, 8:30pm EDT SIGNUP HERE
Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
