I am not sure where I first heard the dead-serious declaration, “It’s all about the dress.”
Apparently, that is true with prom dresses. But, obviously, that mantra applies to wedding dresses.
If you didn’t know that already, you need to dig into the angry, ugly, over-the-top online wars about the wedding dress chosen by Olivia Culpo, a former Miss Universe who recently married NFL superstar Christian McCaffrey of the San Francisco 49ers.
Let’s jump straight into the Today Show report on this mess.
For her dress, Culpo told Vogue that she “didn’t want it to exude sex in any way, shape or form,” adding that she wanted it to feel “complementing” rather than “overpowering.”
She also wore simple makeup for a clean, sculpted face and peach lips. The magazine reported that she didn’t wear mascara, lip liner or eyebrow makeup.
“I never felt more beautiful than when I was in my ceremony dress and under my veil — I really wanted the simplicity of each component to harmonize perfectly,” Culpo said of her look.
I don’t know about you, but I have never thought I would read detailed discussions of modesty in news coverage of choices made by a Miss Universe winner.
However, it’s crucial that Culpo was talking about her “ceremony dress,” as in the gown she would be wearing in a religious marriage rite. I would add, at this point, that McCaffrey is known as an outspoken, committed Roman Catholic. Might that have something to do with her choice of a classic, modest wedding dress? What do we know about her faith?
Online, the key statement in Culpo’s interview was her confession that she didn’t want the dress to “exude sex in any way, shape or form.” That’s where she crossed the digital line into Culture Wars territory. Sure enough, some commentators headed straight into “The Handmaid’s Tale” territory.
However, as an old guy, the new term here was “pick me.” In the Urban Dictionary, that is defined as:
A pick me is a woman that is willing to do anything for male approval. She will embarrass or throw other women under the bus to achieve this goal. The unfortunate thing about a pick me is usually the men they are trying to seek approval from are of poor quality and treat women badly, leaving little real benefit for the pick me.
Well now, that “under the bus” talk is rather wild. One also has to note the implied stab at someone like McCaffrey. Based on decades of reading NFL coverage, I think that this young Catholic isn’t the typical football star who can be assigned the “poor quality and treat women badly” label.
The more aggressive version of the “pick me” curse is the following, again care of the Urban Dictionary:
A pick-me girl is a girl who seeks male validation by indirectly or directly insinuating that she is “not like the other girls.” Basically a female version of a simp. Characteristics of a pick-me girl: lets men walk all over her because of her “CaReFrEE” demeanor, only hangs out with men because they’re “unproblematic”, exerts qualities/characteristics of her male counterparts that were not initially present to be more likable and relatable to them, etc.
If you are looking for a summary of the alleged crimes committed by Culpo (and her husband), please watch the Comments Section video at the top of this post, in which the recently married Brett Cooper offers her usual machine-gun oratory version of the social-media gunfire, with lots of on-screen specifics.
But if you really want to wade into the warfare, check out this YouTube search that points to page after search page of videos about this international crisis. #SIGH.
For me, it’s easier to head back to the long, long Today Show piece, which offers a modest sample of what has been going on All. Over. The. Place.
Sit down and hang on. TikTok star Kennedy Bingham posted:
… a more than 5-minute video July 2 criticizing not just the “simple, elegant” dress, but the “bitter aftertaste” she had after reading the why behind Culpo’s look.
“From Miss Universe to Miss Pick Me, Olivia Culpo is earning her crown,” Bingham captioned the video.
Bingham accused Culpo of going “beyond just wanting something modest for herself and pushing this idea of what she thinks all brides should look like.”
Culpo told Vogue she wanted “something that felt as serious as that commitment” to wear for her wedding. She added that she thought of her then husband-to-be as well.
“When I think about Christian and what he loves and the moments that he thinks that I’m most beautiful, it’s absolutely in something like this: timeless, covered and elegant,” she said.
Bingham pushed back against Culpo’s intention.
“First and foremost, you can get married in your underwear and be taking your marriage vows very seriously,” she said. She also criticized Culpo’s comments about “coverage,” saying the model “in her day-to-day life is not exactly a modest dresser.”
Wait! There’s more Culture Wars content woven into this controversy. Remember, all of this is coming from just one of dozens of online-influencer Culpo critics:
… Bingham criticized Culpo’s decision to work with Dolce & Gabbana. The fashion house, who notably designed Kourtney Kardashian Barker’s looks for her May 2022 wedding, has a history of controversies, from speaking out against members of the LGBTQ+ community being able to adopt to a 2018 ad featuring a Chinese woman that viewers said was full of racist stereotypes.
McCaffrey, as well as other social media users, jumped to his wife’s defense in the comments.
The San Francisco 49ers running back said, “What an evil thing to post online. I hope you can find joy and peace in the world, the way my beautiful wife does.”
In response, Bingham said, “So what’s evil is pointing out the potential internalized misogyny behind her reasoning, your (imo) patriarchal comment, and the racist/ homophobic/fatphobic history of the designers she worked with?”
In Rational Sheep terms, there are several things going on here, from mainstream rejections of appeals to “modesty,” whether in lifestyle or just one dress, to the usual news media struggle to handle statements of Christian conviction.
But the mass-media professor in me also wants to note the importance of visual content in online coverage of women — period. We also live in an age in which “beauty” is a controversial term, since it implies some kind of standard linked to centuries of art, tradition and even moral theology.
Oh, and then there’s the stranglehold that celebrity media culture has on the minds of millions of people around the world. Add layers of acid about clashing definitions of what it means to be a woman and it’s easy to see why discussions of this one wedding dress went viral and immediately turned vicious.
What did I miss in this morality tale? Please illumine me further.
Let us attend.
