Open disagreement between spouses, or even just not seeing eye to eye, can be very painful. It is also quite common. Central to the art of marriage is to be able to accept this while also addressing it.
Experience shows that it is to be expected. To some extent then, disagreement need not mean that anything has gone wrong. We do well to begin by recognizing that how we deal with disagreement is precisely a key feature of how we grow our marriage and as individuals; I’d even go so far as to say it is ‘natural’ and part of the plan. This should be a very heartening thought.
Of course certain deeper disagreements might cross a line of seriousness and call for intervention or other such remedies. But most of us will be within a range of discord, variance, or tension that is ‘normal,’ the addressing of which will be part of our daily labors. A few principles might be helpful.
Probably the single most important step is to take stock of just what the nature and causes of the disagreement are. Often the pain and difficulty of the situation inclines us to jump to conclusions and then wade in without really examining what is going on. A first key question is whether this is simply a divergence of thought in the abstract, or is this complicated by personal elements such as painful aspects of our past lives or of our marriage relationship itself? The former situation, where we come to different conclusions unencumbered by emotional freight, is much more straightforward. Here we have a great and not-as-difficult opportunity—that is, if we seize it—of listening and getting to know the mind of the other. Even this takes practice and intentionality.
In the other situation, which will probably be more common, we have a great opportunity to do some things that can really grow us and our relationship. First, know thyself. It always behooves us to begin with self-examination. We tend to go into self-defense and even attack mode, both of which preclude a clear look at ourselves. Am I focusing on the issue and really thinking clearly about it? Am I overconfidently assuming I’m right and neither genuinely listening nor considering how my viewpoint could expand here? Am I sufficiently aware that my position might be unduly influenced by my own prejudices, experiences, or hurts?
Truly, there is little that can undermine a relationship like a non-self-aware and over-confident disposition.
I must admit, I sometimes wonder when I hear a spouse simply proclaiming as obvious that his or her spouse just ‘doesn’t get it.’
After self-examination comes an examination of the other. In addition to the issue of whether I’m really understanding the content of the position, there is more. Are there experiences and hurts that could be affecting—perhaps legitimately!—how the other is thinking and feeling right now? And—this can be especially difficult to see—am I somehow antagonizing my spouse or pushing him or her toward disagreeing by the way I’m comporting myself?
These things, and more, are what marital disagreements should prompt us to consider, especially since between spouses addressing a disagreement is never about winning. It’s always about us, and our relationship, and how we can serve others, beginning with our children.
All this said, we must reckon with a common situation where one spouse is in fact more ‘tuned in,’ and more ‘gets it’ about the why and how of living a good life. This can be very difficult, especially in view of how it can impinge on ‘them’—i.e., the children. My point here surely has not been: “don’t sweat the details, just make sure you listen to one another.” Rather, all that I have suggested above takes on a deeper significance precisely because some disagreements concern matters of profound importance. How will we pray as a family? What technologies will be allowed and used in the house? What is our approach to spacing children? How will we inculcate modesty? What work will we expect of children? What music will we listen to? The list is long, and how we sort these out will have real implications for family life.
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that all we can do is do our given part. By an incomparable and irreplaceable design the main judgments in marriage and household are determined by two people, not by one. Again, we must never lose sight that this is how marriage grows us. Two people must learn to listen and to speak one’s mind, to be humble and appropriately assertive, to treat each other as beloved peers and equals, even while honoring first authority and submission. This last calls for a treatment on its own. But we can be assured that authority and submission, to be the magnificent masterpieces they should be, presuppose two parties that learn to see themselves, to see and hear the other, and who act from love, for one another and for all those other persons given to their care.
It is no wonder that the author of Sirach writes,
My soul takes pleasure in three things, and they are beautiful in the sight of the Lord and of men; agreement between brothers, friendship between neighbors, and a wife and a husband that live in harmony.
Living in harmony. Beautiful indeed. And beautiful too the long road of forging it. ~ ~ ~
TODAY’S NEW PODCAST is WHAT IF MY SPOUSE IS NOT ON THE SAME PAGE? Join Sofia and me in discussing how this difficult situation can be met and grown through. Check out and share our other PODCASTS too.
ALSO, NEW TODAY, MY LECTURE from LIFECRAFT DAY at the BARN: HUSBANDRY: THE MANLY ART and ITS CONCRETE FORMS. This led to some amazing discussions!
Husband, father, and professor of Philosophy. LifeCraft springs from one conviction: there is an ancient wisdom about how to live the good life in our homes, with our families; and it is worth our time to hearken to it. Let’s rediscover it together. Learn more.
